Debris

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You know that corner I first saw you at, I never pass by there now. I don’t want it to remind me of you. I would rather go around and be late to wherever I am going, than pass it by. I already think too much of you, I don’t want anything to bring you back into my reality. I would rather fool myself that it was a dream. I go about my day, I do things, I think I am ok, and then, out of nowhere it all pops back into my mind and I can no longer breathe, and I can no longer be or function. I see everything with my mind’s eye and I feel nauseated.

Why it all happened, I don’t know. Why I had to meet you and feel like I did, I don’t know. Why you had to go and do what you did, I cannot comprehend. Why and how and why I cannot accept. I walk the streets and I look at people. I stare at them and I try to copy them. I ask them in my mind if they have ever felt such pain, such overwhelming all conquering pain. I am no longer myself, I am just my pain. They never answer, because they never hear my questions. And we go on, cause that is what we human beings do, we go on until we can no longer go on. It all feels like a circus and I am the clown.

I wonder sometimes where you are.

Are you happy? Did you get everything you wanted? Was it all worth it? Do you ever think of me? About what happened to that human being you left behind in the cold, naked and defenseless. I hope you do, I wish you would think of me, I wish you were not happy, I wish you would be sorry. But I will never know. I was so happy and then I was not. Was it all worth it to you? I am still here, still in pain, still trying to recover, to find myself in the debris of your actions. I wish I were a butterfly and fly towards the sun and …

You know that corner where we first met, I never pass it by anymore because I am afraid. I don’t want it all to be real, I would rather think it was all a dream.

I am still here. Why aren’t you?

Comments

Main hoon yahaan, tu hai kahaan - un vers dintr-un cantec pe care l-am ascultat recent, se traduce exact cu ultimul rand al povestii tale. Misto scris, vrem mai des. :-)

Cit ii uram pe cei care imi spuneau ca "o sa treaca, cu timpul". Credeam ca durerea nu o sa treaca niciodata, ca e imposibil ca o durere asa de mare sa nu se cronicizeze, sa nu ramina vesnic inscrisa in ADNul sufltetului. Dar acum stiu ca cei care ma incurajau (si pe care ii uram pentru lipsa lor de intelegere a profunzimii durerii mele "nevindecabile") aveau dreptate. Durerea nu ramine vesnic la fel de ascutita - pina la urma, incredibil, dar se cicatrizeaza. Ti-o spun ca pe un secret stiut de toata lumea, si ti-o spun cu bucurie. Pentru ca, de cind imi port cicatricea la vedere, stiu ca, chiar daca in viitor o sa ma mai doara din nou la fel de tare, am certitudinea ca din nou durerea se va cicatriza. Si gindul asta ma face sa am curaj pentru orice va urma.

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